Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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