he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
