I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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