brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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