I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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