Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
