I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
