You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
