I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
