I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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