is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
