I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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