i barfeds in our rink
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I have fence marks all over my body
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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