i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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