There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just high enough for therapy.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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