the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
