So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
