return my video game
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
