my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
