I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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