he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
