2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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