apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
how do flat chested girls get laid?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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