The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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