No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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