Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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