you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
