He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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