Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
