I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
