dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
