I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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