I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
