i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
im drinking this country out of the recession.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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