My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
