Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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