I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
