Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You are a genius and a whore.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
