i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
