I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
