i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
