please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
