No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
