so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm experimenting with sincerity
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
