I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Your penis caused this!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
