Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
