well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
