Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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