He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
