I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
