She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
