Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
