I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
