She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
