Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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